Letter to my abuser

I wrote this a few years ago n wanted to share. Please beaware of triggers n swearing






You probably know the reason for this letter, and if you dont then you are as thick as pig shit. But like i said you know the reason.

Ok i'm unhappy and its all your fault. You were abused as a child, so you know these thoughts n feelings that i have, cos you've probably had them too. I just wanna say 'Fuckin Cheers' Its the best gift ive ever been given...not. I think what you did was well out of order and i'll never forgive you for that. You are gonna be a part of my life forever. There is not one way that i can get rid of you. You haunt me in my sleep, you haunt me through my friends, i here the name 'Bernie' everywere i go. I cant watch tv cos i see your face, or hear your name. I cant go out incase i bump into your mother, or even you. If i did bump into you then i'd probably kick your fuckin arse.

I hate you, you have destroyed me and for what? A bit of pussy, a bit of pleasure for you. Do you relize the pain i went through, with all the water infections? Do you relize that i had to have tubes in me to find out what was wrong? Do you know what i had to put up with? Do you relize that when i was a kid i stopped loving my mum, because you made me hate women. My own mother didn't know what was wrong and why? Cos you told me that you'd go to jail if i ever told. I loved you, you was like a big sister i never had. I enjoyed you being around when my parents were working. I even came to your home, to help you with your first child. I forgive you, or did i? No i forgot about the abuse. I locked it away, i threw away the key.

I had my first child and then it came back to me. I thought it was bollocks at first, thought i must of dreamt it, but the same thing kept comin back, kept repeating over and over, till i finally faced up to the truth. Even then i tried to push it away and i did for awhile till i hit the drugs and it played more and more on my mind. Drugs n past abuse dont mix very well. Even then i only told one person, that person was my then to be husband Dave. I opened up and told him the truth.

I was still copin well till my hen night. My hen night makes me wanna puke. I seen you there in the night club and my stomack churned. I told my friends by then about you, and they seen you too. I said i was goin to speak to you, and they told me not to, told me to leave it to another time, but being me and being my attitude i said fuck it. I came over to you and said could i have a word. We went to the toilets were we could talk and you said to me, i know what you wanna talk about. How? Was it wrote all over my face? Why did you know? We talked and then you told me the biggest bare faced lie i have ever heard. You stood there and told me that my dad had abused you. Fuckin bollocks, you also told me that your uncle had abused you. I asked why you had abused me and you told me that i asked you to do it, that i told you what to do. How could a kid of 8 tell someone what to do? Then you told me you was sorry and proceded to kiss me. Stupid bitch me, fuckin kissed you back. What the fuck!! I dont know what was goin through my head at the time, but i regreted every second that i'd spent with you in that toilet.

I left the club that night feeling worse than i'd felt before i talked to you. You'd wrecked my head. I couldn't believe that you'd accussed my dad of abusing you. Couldn't believe you said i'd told you what to do. Couldn't believe that you'd snogged me and i snogged you back. The guilt that i felt was awful, made me puke, made me feel 120% worse. Why didn't i listen to my friends? Why did i do what i did?

Weeks later when i'd got married i finally had a breakdown. I'd told my mum and dad, explained to my dad what you'd said. Talked things over with my mum. That was another thing that you'd asked me. Did my parents know about the abuse. At the time i spoke to you they didn't but as time went on they did. My dad got so upset over the matter he was ready for killing. Then you turned up at the shop were my mum works. My dad seen you and told you to leave, told you to stay away from me. My mum phoned you and told you the same. I was in hospital when this happened, i got upset that you was gonna turn up. I told the nurses who you was and your name incase you did. You never, you've stayed away and its a good idea never to come near me again cos if you do i'm afraid of the consequences.

I'd do time for you. I hate you so much and i cant believe that i loved you like a sister once. You just make me sick now. I pitty you. I just hope that your life turns out as a load of bollocks. May you be cursed for the rest of your crappy life.

With love....not Kerry xx

P.S Rot in fuckin hell

I seem like i aint had a minute yet from HA. I been tryin to get us noticed more so i joined alot of sites n started groups or pages on there. I just want us to be there if people need us.

I'll update the links when i get a minute to myself.

Bizzy Bizzy

I've been busy lately with alot of Healing Angels stuff. Our fan page as over 700 members now so i started a group on facebook too.

I really need to get my links together so nobody misses out. Plus its gud to extend us to other sites. Gunna work on more things to get ha back to how it use to be.

I'm gunna join Care2 again n start from there n see where it takes us.

I'll post links as i get em.

Thinking about bracelets again, might set up a shop on ebay so people can buy one if the like.

I wanna try to get alot done before i dissappear for weeks to do my first open university course to get me set up for studyin for a BA in mental health. So you see why i want to expand us more.

Watch this space.

Its dead again today. May need to make advitisin material. I not made any for awhile. Aww bad admin.

I keep meaning to update the info stuff too, but i wanna write it myself so i may work on it.

My O.U course as been accepted so i'm on the way to being a mental health professional. I think it will help me to help members. I'm excited about it all.

Mmmm, when i got more followers i'll add mental health info n whatnot but till then i'll just use it as i am.

K x)

Introduction To Healing Angels

What Is Healing Angels?

Healing Angels is a mental health support forum for survivors of abuse.

Why Was Healing Angels Created?

Healing Angels was created for those struggling with past abuse and mental illness. I myself am a survivor of child abuse and i felt alone in the world. I didn't want others to feel this way. I first started with a web site called CSAS, Child Sexual Abuse Survivors, and added some information and useful links but i wasn't happy. I didn't feel like i was reaching out enough to survivors. So i joined a few support groups myself to get a few ideas and started my first support group Broken Angels. Unfortunately this group was deleted. I then decided to start again with Healing Angels. We've been running for just over 15 months. Its been hard going at times, but its worth it to hear some of the wonderful things that members say about us. I find it helps me to cope as well as others.

What Does Healing Angels Offer?

Healing Angels offers you a safe place to vent and post about your past. We also offer our friendship and support for as long as you may need it. We have a angel watch area which is basically a one to one. You'll be given the opportunity to have your own angel if you decide to join us.

What Is There Goal?

The goal of Healing Angels is to help others in need. We try to reach out to those who find it a struggle living with mental illness. Also we reach out to those dealing with past abuse. I am a survivor of child abuse myself and I struggled in the past, felt like i was alone. I don't want others to feel how i felt. Thats why we try to reach out as much as possible.

How Can I Register With Healing Angels?

Its very easy to join Healing Angels. Just follow this link and click register. You'll not be able to see any of the board as it is only available to registered members. This is for members safety. If you register with us, you'll need to wait for admin to validate your account first. This usually happens within a couple of hours. If admin is available when you register it will usually be straight away.