Letter to my abuser

I wrote this a few years ago n wanted to share. Please beaware of triggers n swearing






You probably know the reason for this letter, and if you dont then you are as thick as pig shit. But like i said you know the reason.

Ok i'm unhappy and its all your fault. You were abused as a child, so you know these thoughts n feelings that i have, cos you've probably had them too. I just wanna say 'Fuckin Cheers' Its the best gift ive ever been given...not. I think what you did was well out of order and i'll never forgive you for that. You are gonna be a part of my life forever. There is not one way that i can get rid of you. You haunt me in my sleep, you haunt me through my friends, i here the name 'Bernie' everywere i go. I cant watch tv cos i see your face, or hear your name. I cant go out incase i bump into your mother, or even you. If i did bump into you then i'd probably kick your fuckin arse.

I hate you, you have destroyed me and for what? A bit of pussy, a bit of pleasure for you. Do you relize the pain i went through, with all the water infections? Do you relize that i had to have tubes in me to find out what was wrong? Do you know what i had to put up with? Do you relize that when i was a kid i stopped loving my mum, because you made me hate women. My own mother didn't know what was wrong and why? Cos you told me that you'd go to jail if i ever told. I loved you, you was like a big sister i never had. I enjoyed you being around when my parents were working. I even came to your home, to help you with your first child. I forgive you, or did i? No i forgot about the abuse. I locked it away, i threw away the key.

I had my first child and then it came back to me. I thought it was bollocks at first, thought i must of dreamt it, but the same thing kept comin back, kept repeating over and over, till i finally faced up to the truth. Even then i tried to push it away and i did for awhile till i hit the drugs and it played more and more on my mind. Drugs n past abuse dont mix very well. Even then i only told one person, that person was my then to be husband Dave. I opened up and told him the truth.

I was still copin well till my hen night. My hen night makes me wanna puke. I seen you there in the night club and my stomack churned. I told my friends by then about you, and they seen you too. I said i was goin to speak to you, and they told me not to, told me to leave it to another time, but being me and being my attitude i said fuck it. I came over to you and said could i have a word. We went to the toilets were we could talk and you said to me, i know what you wanna talk about. How? Was it wrote all over my face? Why did you know? We talked and then you told me the biggest bare faced lie i have ever heard. You stood there and told me that my dad had abused you. Fuckin bollocks, you also told me that your uncle had abused you. I asked why you had abused me and you told me that i asked you to do it, that i told you what to do. How could a kid of 8 tell someone what to do? Then you told me you was sorry and proceded to kiss me. Stupid bitch me, fuckin kissed you back. What the fuck!! I dont know what was goin through my head at the time, but i regreted every second that i'd spent with you in that toilet.

I left the club that night feeling worse than i'd felt before i talked to you. You'd wrecked my head. I couldn't believe that you'd accussed my dad of abusing you. Couldn't believe you said i'd told you what to do. Couldn't believe that you'd snogged me and i snogged you back. The guilt that i felt was awful, made me puke, made me feel 120% worse. Why didn't i listen to my friends? Why did i do what i did?

Weeks later when i'd got married i finally had a breakdown. I'd told my mum and dad, explained to my dad what you'd said. Talked things over with my mum. That was another thing that you'd asked me. Did my parents know about the abuse. At the time i spoke to you they didn't but as time went on they did. My dad got so upset over the matter he was ready for killing. Then you turned up at the shop were my mum works. My dad seen you and told you to leave, told you to stay away from me. My mum phoned you and told you the same. I was in hospital when this happened, i got upset that you was gonna turn up. I told the nurses who you was and your name incase you did. You never, you've stayed away and its a good idea never to come near me again cos if you do i'm afraid of the consequences.

I'd do time for you. I hate you so much and i cant believe that i loved you like a sister once. You just make me sick now. I pitty you. I just hope that your life turns out as a load of bollocks. May you be cursed for the rest of your crappy life.

With love....not Kerry xx

P.S Rot in fuckin hell